I Forgive

I started out this Lent with great human aspirations. I had an objective. I wanted to be selfless; I claimed to want to focus more on Christ and less on a person..... I had wanted to overcome a particularly tiresome situation through my own strength but in the end, I failed. I found myself doing exactly the things I set out NOT wanting to do.

But all is not lost. While I wallowed in my own faithlessness and despondency, I realised that in His own time, God made me see that through this situation, walls surrounding me were breaking away. I can finally tell myself that a deep disappointment I held against someone else at another time; in another place has been broken away. I can finally say I forgive.

How these 2 incidents and people involved in them are connected escapes me but I know this is God's way of saying He works in amazing ways. I feel free. Eight years is a long time to nurse a disappointment but the ability to forgive is extremely liberating!

This Lent, I learned that I can only do so much through my own efforts but with God's grace, nothing is impossible.

*A-CHOOZ!!*

I hate to be down with flu and cough. It's one of those things that make you so ineffective and a natural germ-carrier to be avoided at all costs.

I can recall with vivid clarity when the virus struck. It was the morning of 21st December (Monday) as I sat in my freezer-like office, I felt the nose getting clogged up and then it started to drip. I bought some over-the-counter cold tablets and thought self-medication would work. It didn't. The runny nose came on full force and I had to see a doctor a week later on 28th December (Monday). The medicines included cold tablets, cough mixture, phlegm-dissolving solution and antibiotics.

Although not completely well, I managed to usher in the new year with some clarity but lost my voice on 6th January (Wednesday). This time, I had to take a day off work to see the doctor and rest. The medicines now included anti-inflammatory tablets, cold tablets and cough mixture, Dhaseyl. However, the cough got worse over the next 2 days and I went back to the clinic on 8th January (Friday). The doctor changed the cough medicine to Fedac. He assured me I would get better before the weekend was over.

Again, I did not. I went back to the same clinic on 11th January (Monday) after work. This time, another course of antibiotics was introduced with a stronger cough mixture. But the cough became worse, particularly at night. I was getting desperate because my lungs seemed to be on the verge of explosion every I coughed.

Finally, I took some time off work today to see another doctor in a remote part of the island. He is reputed to be very good at curing coughs. Okay, let me try it out. I have just taken my 2nd dose of medicine and the cough seems to be letting up somewhat but the nose is still runny.

With excellent bedside manners, the doctor had insisted that I take 2 days of medical leave although I had tried to bargain for just one day as there was really too much work to clear. He was adamant and said that since I had been coughing for 3 weeks, it might lapse into pneumonia if I did not rest well to recover completely.

In a way, I'm glad I'm 'forced' to rest at home. Work never ends and if I continue to push myself despite being sick, I will never recover well. I guess I will now just learn to just snooze the next 2 days away!

Twenty Ten - New Year, New Hope

I had wanted to attend New Year's Day mass at IHM but I couldn't find any indication of mass time from its website last night. What if I went there and there was no mass? Or perhaps I could go to St Anne's 8am mass but I prefer the worship environment at IHM. A little tarry here; little indecision there......... I ended up over-sleeping well into the new year. Another "spirit is willing but flesh is weak" scenario? I can't start the new year on such frivolous resolve, can I? No, I must make it a point to attend tomorrow's morning mass.

2009 has been a challenging year for me. Plucked from comfort zone and being thrown into new territory at work has zapped me of my energy, time and spirit. In addition to unrealistic targets and KPI, I have to unravel the backlog from the past year. Staff management is already challenging on its own but couple it with 25 ladies of different age groups (from 20 to 64), mindsets and educational levels; I feel like walking out the door on some days and never come back. Someone else can have the hot seat. Thank you very much.

I know why I was picked for the job. I do not think I am better than my peers but I have been known to be resilient. In the macro scheme of things, that's great for the company. But privately, who knows how I struggle with time management for my family and on a personal level? But I must count my blessings too. I have a good superior who listens to my gripes and woes on some days. I have generally good support from the staff although there are some black sheep to keep me on my toes and not get too complacent.

In 2010, I resolve to be positive and treasure my relationships more, whether spiritual, personal or official. There might be organisational changes within the year but whatever it is, I shall stay focused on finishing my course by March and doing the best I can. However, before I can embark on the aforementioned resolution, it is often said that we can't seriously seek God from the comfort of the armchair but on the knees. I shall start by rousing myself from lazy slumber tomorrow morning and attend the 6am mass!

Love Our Children

I'm attending the NAEYC convention in Washington D.C. It has been very enriching so far besides the shopping and sight-seeing!

We had the privilege of visiting some renowned preschools in the D.C. area earlier this week and learned how early childhood education is regarded here in the US. During our network lunch sessions, we understood from the locals that President Obama has a clear focus on early education quality and has given a prominent position in the President's education agenda. In fact, he's the only president who has given early childhood education any focus.

Wow, that sounds like giant steps for an industry that has always taken a backseat next to the formal schooling. It is wonderful to be in the forefront of such dynamic changes in the lives of millions of children around the world.

But as I sat at the conference hall this morning, I felt a tug at my heart strings and my mind started to wander off. The emotions just welled up as the speaker expounded on the importance of building a loving, nurturing environment for children in their early years. With so much focus on the early years' education in this country, it makes me sad to watch news of children being shot; raped and strangled in the one week we've been here. It is rather ironical to confront images of such shenanigans on TV each morning as we get ready for a conference that celebrates children.

To say this is a conflicted world is an understatement. How can people; parents in fact, do such things to their own offspring? In the case of a 5-year-old girl who was raped and strangled, it was her mother who offered her up for prostitution. What?? I hear you say. There are so many parents in this world who can't love their children enough yet there are those who are depraved at so many levels that I don't even have an adjective for them. Sigh.

Emotions aside, I still believe in the greater good of people who put their hearts and souls into working with children. People who come to school each day to make a difference to these little ones. People who nurse a scraped knee, hug a bruised soul and assure a child it's OK to make mistakes. People who do not mind the long hours, the pay or the hard work. These people are the a child's whole world and these are the people who will make a difference in this world.

NAEYC should not just celebrate children. It should celebrate teachers and everyone who loves children.

Technology, how much do I love thee?

I just experienced the woes of technology in a most amusing manner. Some people might have come undone and screamed their heads off; possibly never speaking to the 'betrayal' of their innermost confidences again but I just shrugged it off as another shenanigan of life.

I've been rather bothered by office politics at the work place.....something's definitely rotten in the state of Denmark. I sent an email to a senior colleague whom I've come to respect over the years. It was a heart-felt sharing about our corporate culture and how it's affecting people at every level.

Her reply was just as heart-felt and very edifying. I felt encouraged because I know she had gone through the same grind and has emerged stronger. She also cared enough to put aside 30 minutes of her precious time to craft an uplifting email to me, notwithstanding that it was almost the end of a busy workday.

That was where the good feeling ended. The moment I finished reading her email, another one came to my inbox bearing her sender's details. She had erroneously forwarded my original email back to me with a message to the presumed recipient that it was a confidential sharing and that I should never know that my message was shared.

Talk about a Judas moment.

I stared at my own email for a long time. Should I be upset that my confidences was just betrayed? Should I forward her the forwarded message to let her know that I knew? In the end, I did nothing except turned off the computer and left for the day.

I might have been upset if it had been someone else. But I believed she was trying to share my thoughts with someone in the organisation who could make a difference in how things worked. She could have just patronised me with a reply email and ignored the issues but she chose to take them up higher. I believe it because I trust her. Even now.

This situation could have swung both ways. Technology can make you see things in a clearer light. I choose to see mine in a positive one.